Monday, 22 June 2009

• I Found Out A Month Ago...

  I stare into the embers of another dying day,
  with words pouring slowly out my heart, but still nothing left to say -
  my doubts turn into sorrow and though I've missed you for so long,
  I have to let go of the reasons, because I found out... I was wrong.

  There are a million things I don't pretend to comprehend - and my mind is high on that list. But I never thought that I would be able to create another person, another personality so much like mine, to help me get through things that I couldn't handle. I have to wonder what else have I made up - what else has my mind done to make sure I can deal with this over-dramatic and constantly falling-apart life? I'm not angry at myself, and I don't think that what happened was bad...I'm just confused and nervous. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand, just supposed to be thankful for it and let it go. Perhaps it was a one-time thing? I can only hope so, I guess. I loved him, and finding out that he was never actually real - that there is no headstone with the name "James Aaron Canfield" written across it - is a burden to bear, but a breath of relief. He needed me that night, but even though he left me, nobody else will ever have to miss that amazing boy. Nobody abused him, he never experienced pain...I made it all up, somehow, but I can't explain what a wonderful thing that is to know. I know this probably doesn't make sense, and that some people might think I'm crazy, but I don't care. My pain over Jimm killing himself was misplaced, but it taught me that giving up completely isn't an option.

  I guess that means I was wrong. He wasn't the strong one ........................................................

   

   

   

   

  I was.
  

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