Nah, I'm not going to talk about him, though he's one of my favorite character from Douglas Adams' infamous "trilogy." I'm going to share a poem...

I lay in an under-filled
          hospital bed
While my thoughts travel elsewhere
          in my bandaged-up head...
This boredom is ceaseless -
          there's no end in sight;
But I dream about holding you
          night after night.

My headaches get worse
          and they tell me to rest;
That though I may scorn them,
          they're doing "what's best"...
I miss you so much,
          my penguin, my dear...
It feels like I'll be 80
          'fore I get out of here!

I know what you'd tell me:
          It's alright, it's okay
Feel better soon -
          It's not your fault anyway.

I know I'll be fine...
          it's just my brain ((who needs that? ;] ))
[[I'm getting my blood drawn
          by a blond nurse named Pat!]]
They think I can go home
          just as soon as they're done
with the tests that they give me -
          ((There's a zillion and one!!!))
The only concern that they
          have is my sleep -
So I have to stop writing
          and start counting my sheep. -sigh-

I hope that you're okay,
          that you've kept yourself busy
[[This morphine they give me
          is making me dizzy!]]
My David, please smile,
          you mean so much to me. =]
You're in my stars, in my heart
          & I love you.
                         -Chelsea

And I'm Sure It's Me

I've got two hands to be held
Attached to arms that could wrap you around
I've got eyes that are worth diving into
And secrets that are worth being found
I've got lips that could whisper sweet nothings
And offer soft kisses ((and sweet))
I've got the right number of everything
But still, I cannot feel complete -

I've never felt the warmth of a hand in mine,
Or had the chance to hold my love through the night
I've never looked deep into anyone's eyes to
Discover the secrets that could make it alright...
I've never heard the breath of a lover,
or felt kisses - so warm - on my face...
I know someone out there is waiting for me -
One of us is just in the wrong place.

((Bored. Survey Taken From heart_beep =]))

1. Do you like blue cheese?
It's spelled bleu...and no, I despise it. Give me ranch any day.

2. Do you have a tattoo?
Not currently. I do plan on getting a few...small ones, so I don't run the risk of losing a job over a tattoo, but at least four. =]

3. Do you own a gun?
Three, actually, yes. A nerf, a squirt, and a hunting rifle. =P

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was/is your favorite?
The clear kind that tastes like cherry. I was so mesmerized by it when it first came out. And it left this weird menthol-y feel in your mouth. =]

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No, unless I have a reason to be. ((What do you mean, you don't see it? It's right there!))

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
In general, they're okay, but Cheddarwurst is my choice. =]

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
It's called Buster & Chauncey's Silent Night. Unless you've seen it, you will never understand the greatness.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Usually water, orange juice is great, but if I had my way, it would be a smoothie. =]

9. Can you do push ups?
The excersizing kind...around ten. The bra kind? Trust me. Don't need to.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
That I own...it's a tie between my Eiffel Tower earrings and this necklace with a bicycle on it that has a wheel that actually spins. It's like folk art on a necklace. My friend ((long ago friend)) made it for me.

11. Favorite hobbies?
Sleeping. ^_^ But reading is a close second.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
My attention span is the best I've ever heard of.

13. What are your favorite shoes?
my flippy floppies!

14. Middle Name?
My grandmother's name. Jean.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1. Who sings that song?
2. It's 12:37, I should really eat breakfast.
3. I miss my penguin a lot.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Milk! ((Skim, unless I'm being treated to 1%.)), Diet Dr Pepper, and ... yeah. that's it.

17. Current worry?
College money and whether or not I even want to go.

18. Current hate right now?
Distances, being too much of a perfectionist, and the lack of anything with flavor in this house.

19. Pepsi or Coke? 
Diet Dr Pepper...so technically, the Coke branch.

20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Sitting on a couch in my cousin's house, sipping sparkling grape juice and pondering second chances.

21. Where would you like to go?
California.... -sighs-

22. Name three people who will complete this?
Me, myself, and heart_beep. ((since, you know, she already did))

23. Do you own slippers?
Black fuzzy ones. :) woo!

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Gray with sparklies!

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Considering I've never had satin sheets, I really couldn't tell you.

26. Can you whistle?
Yep. I have perfect pitch while I'm whistling ((unlike while I'm singing...))

27. Favorite color?
Silver. Or maybe avocado.

28. Would you be a pirate?
Not a real one. Unless I was offered to be dropped of in California. =P

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Usually, it's too early for my brain to process words.

30. Favorite Girl's Name?
possibly Skye. =]

31. Favorite boy's name?
Matthew, James, Timothy, David <3, and Miles. I can't pick just one. =]

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Watching Jewelien and having her tell me, "Maybe they went to a different country to get groceries!" =]

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
What the...? I can promise you that I never, once, paid attention to my bed sheets when I was five.

35. Worst injury you ever had as a child?
possibly getting all the skin taken off of both my knees by a treadmill in a sport's store.

36. Do you love where you live?
Far from it.

37. What did/do you want to be when you grew/grow up?
A lawyer and a mommy. Though I found out later it's tough to be both. Still want to be a mommy...some day...but I have dreams of owning my own bakery/cafe/diner. 

38. Who is your loudest friend?
Probably Sarah, but she's worth being heard.

39. How many dogs do you have?
Two, but neither live with me. Ginger and her son Samson. ((both pit bulls! :D ))

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
-keeps fingers crossed- I bet someone does. =]

41. What is your favorite book?
The Bible's books of Lamentations and Jeremiah...and ...okay. nope. This question is, by far, the most unfair question I've ever seen.

42. What is your favorite candy?
I have to say Wild Berry Skittles are tied with Snickers.

43. Favorite Sports Team?
Does not exist yet.

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I Find The Light In You - Joe Brooks 

I took this idea from BrokenBamboo, once again...but it was something I thought that I needed to do. I put my mp3 player on shuffle and then really listened to the lyrics...and the ones that are italicized and bolded really pull on my heartstrings.


Caroline - Seventh Day Slumber
     I know you want to run away;
     I know that you can't see tomorrow-

     Caroline, let me wipe away your tears
     and give you life; make you feel beautiful
     again. Caroline, don't throw it all away,
     I'm here tonight to take away your pain.

The Way She Feels - Between The Trees
     All alone, the way she feels, left alone
     to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow-
     Relief: bite the lip, just forget the bleeding.

     Then she closed her eyes and found relief
     in a knife; the blood flows as she cries...

A Time For Yohe - Between The Trees
     She'll find out this is harder than taking
     medicine...

     this is your time to weep - this is your
     time to mourn; now time to build up,
     just your time to tear down old walls.

Breakdown - Forever The Sickest Kids
     When was the last time you talked to me?
      I mean, seriously....I feel like I don't even
     know you

Returning The Smile You Have Had From The Start - Emery
     In my memory, I wrote you down in ink;
     I never wanted to erase your story, even
     with the tragedy it writes...

Ambulance Chaser - Search The City
     Now I've come undone just so you could
     stitch me up - this damage seems to suit you-
     if I'm goin' down, then you're goin' down.

This Is The Countdown - Mae
     I've had enough of this town

     I've been waiting, but oh, tonight
     this one last try goes on and on and
     on...

Fall - Clay Walker
     So fall - go on and fall apart...fall into
     these arms of mine...and I'll catch you

White Lines & Red Lights - Between The Trees
     Let's take our time, let the moment last until it
     feels right, holding back and not getting too
     carried away...let the music fade!

     'Cuz you are the brightest star, and I'm
     in love with who you are.

Colors - Crossfade
     You should know these colors that you're
     shinin' are surely not the best colors that
     you shine.

Bring Me To Life - Evanescence
     Now that I know what I'm without, you can't
     just leave me...breathe into me and make me
     real - bring me to life.

In The End - Linkin Park
     Things aren't the way they were before -
     you wouldn't even recognize me anymore...
     not that you knew me back then but it
     all comes back to me in the end.

The Older I Get - Skillet
     The older I get, will I get over it? ...
      I can't believe it still hurts like this.

Devour - Shinedown
     Nobody, nobody wants to feel like this
     Nobody, nobody wants to live like this

Say Goodbye - Skillet
     You've got your life, I've got mine, but you
     were all I cared about...yesterday we were
     laughin', today I'm left here askin' -
     Where has all the time gone now?
     I'm left alone somehow...

Open Wounds - Skillet
     I would rather rot alone than spend a minute with you

     You can't stop me from fallin' apart, because my self-
     destruction is all your fault.

Godspeed - Anberlin
     The bad turns to worse and the worst turns into hell

They Looked Like Strong Hands - Bayside
     And I look so strong when the weight of all the world
     don't take its toll...

When I'm With You - Faber Drive
     When I'm with you, I'll make every second count
     cuz' I miss you ((whenever you're not around)).
     When I kiss you, I'll still get butterflies years from
     now...                     I'll make every second count.

I'll Be There - A Change Of Pace
     This summer's takin' me to California, but I won't
     go until you know that what I say is true -
     When everything you've ever loved has left you,
     I'll be there, yeah, I'll be there for you.

Hero - Super[c]hick
     No one talks to her, she feels so alone - she's in
     too much pain to survive on her own. The hurt
     she can't handle overflows to a knife; she writes
     on her arms, wants to give up her life. Each day
     she goes on is a day that she's brave, fighting
     the lie that giving up is the way. Each moment
     of courage, her own life she saves - when she
     throws the pills out, a hero is made

I Can Wait Forever - Simple Plan
     'Cuz I just can't take it! Another day without you
     with me is like a blade that cuts right through me,
     but I could wait forever.

Denial Waits - ASHES dIVIDE
     Just walk away - don't want to hear that you're sorry.

Stationary - Anberlin
     Do they not have pen or paper where you are?
     Cuz' I haven't heard from you in ages - I relive
     each memory, from time to time...

In This Scene You're Just An Extra - Search The City
     I wish I could play the victim for you... I just
     needed room to breathe, my world collapsed
     on me

Oxygen - A New Found Glory
     I don't want to be without you,
     I don't want to live without you,
     I don't want to breathe without you...
     You're my oxygen.

Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
     I was sure by now, that You would have
     reached down and wiped our tears away -
     stepped in and saved the day. But once
     again, I say amen, and it's still rainin'...

     But I'll praise You in this storm, and I
     will lift my hands, for You are who
     You are no matter where I am, and every
     tear I've cried, You hold in your hand -
     You've never left my side, and though
     my heart is torn, I will praise You in
     this storm.

Zero - Hawk Nelson
     We know you regret this - leaving us here,
     with portraits and mem'ries that we've held
     so dear... When I hear your name, it's not
     the same. No matter what they say,
     I'm not okay.

Darlin' - Between The Trees
     Sweet darlin', this is my confession to
     the crimes of wanting you...badly.

Suspension - Mae
     Say anything, but say what you mean.

Fractions - Emery
     Before we fall asleep, just wanted to say:
     this all seems so easy, but there are choices
     to make...

Another Try - Josh Turner
     There's no changin' things that we regret -
     the best that we can hope for is one more
     chance...if the hands of time could just
     move in reverse....

Not Falling - Mudvayne
     I, I'll stand, not crawling, not falling down -
     I, I'll beat the demons that drag me down

You're Not Alone - Saosin
     You're not alone, there is more to this, I know.
     You can make it out - you will live to tell.

Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
     ((It's)) Too early to say goodnight -
     You have stolen my heart

Parabola - Tool
     Celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing

Bigger Than Love - My Favorite Highway
     It's alarming how quick we could forget that
     nothing's bigger than love

Stitches - Haste The Day
     Five words, five words is all it would take...
     five words to change your heart and mind.

     Five words, is it really that hard to say?
     You're worth more than this.

Paperthin Hymn - Anberlin
     I thought you said forever over and over -
     a sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion.

Bigger Scars Make Better Stories - Search The City
    Can you see the same sky from where you are?
    Do the heavens really stretch so far - from you to me?

     I wish that you could see how this is killing me,
     cuz' bigger scars make better stories, and you
     should see the scars on me.

Schism - Tool
     I know the pieces fit, 'cuz I watched them fall away

Helden - Apocalyptica
     Niemand gibt uns eine Chance
     Doch konnen wir siegen
     Fur immer und immer
     Und wir sind dann helden
     Fur einen taug

It's not so cool tonight,
with rain lightly coating my
entire east-cost world
in humidity and broken
words that you never
even knew I had inside

The electricity that I imagine
between us is filling the sky
now, as I type, and you
couldn't imagine the gorgeous
displays of the lightning
over the hills and treetops
and in sync with the sunset

But the best part of all is
the overcompensating noise
of all my pent-up screams,
my shouted whispers, my
bitten-back, broken, bleeding
words being expelled through
the night in a gentle and
humble thunder that seems
to tell me with its own kind of lull,
"It's not so scary.
You know, you can do it.
You're stronger than you've ever
let yourself know.
They won't let him get you.
Yes, he knows you love him.
But sweetie, it's time to let go."

I had to talk to the police this past weekend about my father sexually abusing me when I was a little girl. Me, and other family members. I've been keeping this secret for far too long, and I didn't even know that the rest of my family had been hurt that way. It tears me apart.

I love my dad. I hate my dad. I can't even distinguish where one half of me starts and the other ends, because I can't love him without hating him, or hate him without loving him. He is a piece of me, even though he ruined me. He knew how to be gentle for every time he was cruel. I know that he has no excuse for the evil that he's committed, but still I've forgiven him....
but now it's time to let him pay the price. It's time for me to let go.

And, to you-know-who-you-are ((the other party in this poem)): I love you. Thank you for helping me stay strong at the times you don't even know you're doing it.

What am I,
ten years old?
I'm hyper and
I'm being silly and
I want to know the
color you think of
when you hear me
say the word
Singapore.
Why? I don't even
know...but I think
of a burnt orange
personally.

But you say that
you would need
to hear me say
it. Out loud.
So I, confident,
decide to do
just that. So
I "call"  and
my nerves are sizzling
and I listen and
I can hear your breathing
and I freeze and
I'm turning electric, I swear.

Your voice has turned
me into mush, I swear
it. The second time in
my life I've heard it,
and it's even better
than the first time
I heard it. It's
that love factor,
I'm pretty sure, but
I shouldn't be turning
red and rambling about
Singapore's gum laws.
I don't usually turn
into a dork when I
talk to anybody...
but there's something
about you that makes
my stomach flutter
and sometimes, obviously,
my brain shut down.

And you probably thought
um...gum? and were
confused about where,
exactly, the conversation
was going when my mother
rescue-tortured me by
making me get off the computer.

I haven't stopped thinking
about that voice, and what
it would sound like saying
my name, or whispering
into my ear behind me,
or lulling me to sleep,
and I thought of something
in those first few seconds
when all I could hear after
your initial "Hello?" was
your light breathing:

I revel in this silence -
To hear you breathe is bliss!
I quietly await the day
Those lips are mine to kiss.

and for the record...
my voice saying
Singapore
makes you think of
purple.

and I like that.