Pieces Of My Life

Monday, 22 June 2009

  • I Found Out A Month Ago...

    I stare into the embers of another dying day,
    with words pouring slowly out my heart, but still nothing left to say -
    my doubts turn into sorrow and though I've missed you for so long,
    I have to let go of the reasons, because I found out... I was wrong.

    There are a million things I don't pretend to comprehend - and my mind is high on that list. But I never thought that I would be able to create another person, another personality so much like mine, to help me get through things that I couldn't handle. I have to wonder what else have I made up - what else has my mind done to make sure I can deal with this over-dramatic and constantly falling-apart life? I'm not angry at myself, and I don't think that what happened was bad...I'm just confused and nervous. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand, just supposed to be thankful for it and let it go. Perhaps it was a one-time thing? I can only hope so, I guess. I loved him, and finding out that he was never actually real - that there is no headstone with the name "James Aaron Canfield" written across it - is a burden to bear, but a breath of relief. He needed me that night, but even though he left me, nobody else will ever have to miss that amazing boy. Nobody abused him, he never experienced pain...I made it all up, somehow, but I can't explain what a wonderful thing that is to know. I know this probably doesn't make sense, and that some people might think I'm crazy, but I don't care. My pain over Jimm killing himself was misplaced, but it taught me that giving up completely isn't an option.

    I guess that means I was wrong. He wasn't the strong one ........................................................

     

     

     

     

    I was.

Monday, 15 June 2009

  • Slartibartfast

    Nah, I'm not going to talk about him, though he's one of my favorite character from Douglas Adams' infamous "trilogy." I'm going to share a poem...

     

    I lay in an under-filled
              hospital bed
    While my thoughts travel elsewhere
              in my bandaged-up head...
    This boredom is ceaseless -
              there's no end in sight;
    But I dream about holding you
              night after night.

    My headaches get worse
              and they tell me to rest;
    That though I may scorn them,
              they're doing "what's best"...
    I miss you so much,
              my penguin, my dear...
    It feels like I'll be 80
              'fore I get out of here!

    I know what you'd tell me:
              It's alright, it's okay
    Feel better soon -
              It's not your fault anyway.

    I know I'll be fine...
              it's just my brain ((who needs that? ;] ))
    [[I'm getting my blood drawn
              by a blond nurse named Pat!]]
    They think I can go home
              just as soon as they're done
    with the tests that they give me -
              ((There's a zillion and one!!!))
    The only concern that they
              have is my sleep -
    So I have to stop writing
              and start counting my sheep. -sigh-

    I hope that you're okay,
              that you've kept yourself busy
    [[This morphine they give me
              is making me dizzy!]]
    My David, please smile,
              you mean so much to me. =]
    You're in my stars, in my heart
              & I love you.
                             -Chelsea

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

  • Found

    Calloused and bruised, dazed and confused
    Kinda like a cloud, I was way up in the sky...
    Do you believe in magic?
    Look down from a broken sky traced out
    by the city lights - my world's a mile high
    Every day it's the same thing -
    I'm still frustrated from last night.

    It seems all these words couldn't be further
    from the truth...why the sudden change,
    and what's this all about?
    ...So I say goodbye to a town that has ears
    and eyes. Speak with your tongue tied -
    this wanting more from me is tearing me.
    We're both looking for something...
    I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
    going through this life looking for angels, but
    I'm all alone this time around.

    I've been watching while you sleep, baby...
    Is it wrong to assume that you miss me?
    Every day is a new day.

    I won't take it for granted.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

  • Currently
    The Mamas & the Papas - Greatest Hits
    By The Mamas & the Papas
    California Dreamin'
    see related

    California Dreamin'

    And I'm Sure It's Me

    I've got two hands to be held
    Attached to arms that could wrap you around
    I've got eyes that are worth diving into
    And secrets that are worth being found
    I've got lips that could whisper sweet nothings
    And offer soft kisses ((and sweet))
    I've got the right number of everything
    But still, I cannot feel complete -

    I've never felt the warmth of a hand in mine,
    Or had the chance to hold my love through the night
    I've never looked deep into anyone's eyes to
    Discover the secrets that could make it alright...
    I've never heard the breath of a lover,
    or felt kisses - so warm - on my face...
    I know someone out there is waiting for me -
    One of us is just in the wrong place.

                                                                                                                                                                 

    ((Bored. Survey Taken From heart_beep =]))

    1. Do you like blue cheese?
    It's spelled bleu...and no, I despise it. Give me ranch any day.

    2. Do you have a tattoo?
    Not currently. I do plan on getting a few...small ones, so I don't run the risk of losing a job over a tattoo, but at least four. =]

    3. Do you own a gun?
    Three, actually, yes. A nerf, a squirt, and a hunting rifle. =P

    4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was/is your favorite?
    The clear kind that tastes like cherry. I was so mesmerized by it when it first came out. And it left this weird menthol-y feel in your mouth. =]

    5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
    No, unless I have a reason to be. ((What do you mean, you don't see it? It's right there!))

    6. What do you think of hot dogs?
    In general, they're okay, but Cheddarwurst is my choice. =]

    7. Favorite Christmas movie?
    It's called Buster & Chauncey's Silent Night. Unless you've seen it, you will never understand the greatness.

    8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
    Usually water, orange juice is great, but if I had my way, it would be a smoothie. =]

    9. Can you do push ups?
    The excersizing kind...around ten. The bra kind? Trust me. Don't need to.

    10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
    That I own...it's a tie between my Eiffel Tower earrings and this necklace with a bicycle on it that has a wheel that actually spins. It's like folk art on a necklace. My friend ((long ago friend)) made it for me.

    11. Favorite hobbies?
    Sleeping. ^_^ But reading is a close second.

    12. Do you have A.D.D.?
    My attention span is the best I've ever heard of.

    13. What are your favorite shoes?
    my flippy floppies!

    14. Middle Name?
    My grandmother's name. Jean.

    15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
    1. Who sings that song?
    2. It's 12:37, I should really eat breakfast.
    3. I miss my penguin a lot.

    16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
    Milk! ((Skim, unless I'm being treated to 1%.)), Diet Dr Pepper, and ... yeah. that's it.

    17. Current worry?
    College money and whether or not I even want to go.

    18. Current hate right now?
    Distances, being too much of a perfectionist, and the lack of anything with flavor in this house.

    19. Pepsi or Coke? 
    Diet Dr Pepper...so technically, the Coke branch.

    20. How did you bring in the New Year?
    Sitting on a couch in my cousin's house, sipping sparkling grape juice and pondering second chances.

    21. Where would you like to go?
    California.... -sighs-

    22. Name three people who will complete this?
    Me, myself, and heart_beep. ((since, you know, she already did))

    23. Do you own slippers?
    Black fuzzy ones. :) woo!

    24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
    Gray with sparklies!

    25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
    Considering I've never had satin sheets, I really couldn't tell you.

    26. Can you whistle?
    Yep. I have perfect pitch while I'm whistling ((unlike while I'm singing...))

    27. Favorite color?
    Silver. Or maybe avocado.

    28. Would you be a pirate?
    Not a real one. Unless I was offered to be dropped of in California. =P

    29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
    Usually, it's too early for my brain to process words.

    30. Favorite Girl's Name?
    possibly Skye. =]

    31. Favorite boy's name?
    Matthew, James, Timothy, David <3, and Miles. I can't pick just one. =]

    33. Last thing that made you laugh?
    Watching Jewelien and having her tell me, "Maybe they went to a different country to get groceries!" =]

    34. Best bed sheets as a child?
    What the...? I can promise you that I never, once, paid attention to my bed sheets when I was five.

    35. Worst injury you ever had as a child?
    possibly getting all the skin taken off of both my knees by a treadmill in a sport's store.

    36. Do you love where you live?
    Far from it.

    37. What did/do you want to be when you grew/grow up?
    A lawyer and a mommy. Though I found out later it's tough to be both. Still want to be a mommy...some day...but I have dreams of owning my own bakery/cafe/diner. 

    38. Who is your loudest friend?
    Probably Sarah, but she's worth being heard.

    39. How many dogs do you have?
    Two, but neither live with me. Ginger and her son Samson. ((both pit bulls! :D ))

    40. Does someone have a crush on you?
    -keeps fingers crossed- I bet someone does. =]

    41. What is your favorite book?
    The Bible's books of Lamentations and Jeremiah...and ...okay. nope. This question is, by far, the most unfair question I've ever seen.

    42. What is your favorite candy?
    I have to say Wild Berry Skittles are tied with Snickers.

    43. Favorite Sports Team?
    Does not exist yet.

    44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
    I Find The Light In You - Joe Brooks 

Monday, 11 May 2009

  • Currently
    Strong Tower
    By Kutless
    Strong Tower
    see related

    You Will Be Gone

    I can't find a way to hide from you...
    when my face is in my hands, I hear
    you laughing at me, telling me I'm
    no good, that I deserve this pain
    and more - so much more.
    When I'm asleep and dreaming, you
    make my nightmares real when
    all I want is a bit of rest...a moment
    without your relentless whispers
              .:bitch/burn/bleed:.
              .:slice/stab/stupid:.

    Measured, hesitant voices try to soothe
    your words sometimes, but you're
    still always right there, gnashing
    your razorscissor teeth ... just a bit
    more quietly, mocking in your violent way
              .:appease them/tease them/please them:.
          .:I'll find you/and grind you/I'm behind you:.

    So I nod on cue and say the right
    words with a smile on my face
    knowing that you'll follow me,
    make me feel ashamed, call me
    all your disgusting little names
              .:suck-up/stuck-up/fuck-up:.
                .:liar/deny-er/feel the fire?:.

    You call me mistaken for even thinking
    I can get rid of you, but even while
    you haunt me, I know that one day,
    your voices will fade;
    the seductive one
    that convinces me to embrace your
    sweethot(cold) blades all over my skin;
    the angry persuasive one
    that brings the tears out of my memories
    and the scarlet paint from beneath my skin;
    the cold bitter vengeful one
    that whispers that you are my only friend,
    that everyone else wants to hurt me...to
    hurt myself before they get a chance to,
    just to make them jealous.....

              all your voices will fade and
              my decisions will all be made
              without YOUR opinions -
                        .:hurt/help/heal:.
               .:no fear/not here/disappear:.

Saturday, 09 May 2009

  • Currently
    Everything in Transit
    By Jack's Mannequin
    Dark Blue
    see related

    These Songs

    I took this idea from BrokenBamboo, once again...but it was something I thought that I needed to do. I put my mp3 player on shuffle and then really listened to the lyrics...and the ones that are italicized and bolded really pull on my heartstrings.


    Caroline - Seventh Day Slumber
         I know you want to run away;
         I know that you can't see tomorrow-

         Caroline, let me wipe away your tears
         and give you life; make you feel beautiful
         again. Caroline, don't throw it all away,
         I'm here tonight to take away your pain.

    The Way She Feels - Between The Trees
         All alone, the way she feels, left alone
         to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow-
         Relief: bite the lip, just forget the bleeding.

         Then she closed her eyes and found relief
         in a knife
    ; the blood flows as she cries...

    A Time For Yohe - Between The Trees
         She'll find out this is harder than taking
         medicine
    ...

         this is your time to weep - this is your
         time to mourn; now time to build up,
         just your time to tear down old walls.

    Breakdown - Forever The Sickest Kids
         When was the last time you talked to me?
          I mean, seriously....I feel like I don't even
         know you

    Returning The Smile You Have Had From The Start - Emery
         In my memory, I wrote you down in ink;
         I never wanted to erase your story, even
         with the tragedy it writes...

    Ambulance Chaser - Search The City
         Now I've come undone just so you could
         stitch me up
    - this damage seems to suit you-
         if I'm goin' down, then you're goin' down.

    This Is The Countdown - Mae
         I've had enough of this town

         I've been waiting, but oh, tonight
         this one last try goes on and on and
         on...

    Fall - Clay Walker
         So fall - go on and fall apart...fall into
         these arms of mine...and I'll catch you

    White Lines & Red Lights - Between The Trees
         Let's take our time, let the moment last until it
         feels right, holding back and not getting too
         carried away...let the music fade!

         'Cuz you are the brightest star, and I'm
         in love with who you are.

    Colors - Crossfade
         You should know these colors that you're
         shinin' are surely not the best colors that
         you shine.

    Bring Me To Life - Evanescence
         Now that I know what I'm without, you can't
         just leave me
    ...breathe into me and make me
         real - bring me to life.

    In The End - Linkin Park
         Things aren't the way they were before -
         you wouldn't even recognize me anymore...
         not that you knew me back then but it
         all comes back to me in the end.

    The Older I Get - Skillet
         The older I get, will I get over it? ...
          I can't believe it still hurts like this.

    Devour - Shinedown
         Nobody, nobody wants to feel like this
         Nobody, nobody wants to live like this

    Say Goodbye - Skillet
         You've got your life, I've got mine, but you
         were all I cared about...yesterday we were
         laughin', today I'm left here askin' -
         Where has all the time gone now?
         I'm left alone somehow...

    Open Wounds - Skillet
         I would rather rot alone than spend a minute with you

         You can't stop me from fallin' apart, because my self-
         destruction is all your fault.

    Godspeed - Anberlin
         The bad turns to worse and the worst turns into hell

    They Looked Like Strong Hands - Bayside
         And I look so strong when the weight of all the world
         don't take its toll...

    When I'm With You - Faber Drive
         When I'm with you, I'll make every second count
         cuz' I miss you ((whenever you're not around)).
         When I kiss you, I'll still get butterflies years from
         now...
                         I'll make every second count.

    I'll Be There - A Change Of Pace
         This summer's takin' me to California, but I won't
         go until you know that what I say is true -
         When everything you've ever loved has left you,
         I'll be there, yeah, I'll be there for you.

    Hero - Super[c]hick
         No one talks to her, she feels so alone - she's in
         too much pain to survive on her own. The hurt
         she can't handle overflows to a knife; she writes
         on her arms, wants to give up her life. Each day
         she goes on is a day that she's brave, fighting
         the lie that giving up is the way
    . Each moment
         of courage, her own life she saves
    - when she
         throws the pills out, a hero is made

    I Can Wait Forever - Simple Plan
         'Cuz I just can't take it! Another day without you
         with me is like a blade that cuts right through me,
         but I could wait forever.

    Denial Waits - ASHES dIVIDE
         Just walk away - don't want to hear that you're sorry.

    Stationary - Anberlin
         Do they not have pen or paper where you are?
         Cuz' I haven't heard from you in ages - I relive
         each memory, from time to time...

    In This Scene You're Just An Extra - Search The City
         I wish I could play the victim for you... I just
         needed room to breathe, my world collapsed
         on me

    Oxygen - A New Found Glory
         I don't want to be without you,
         I don't want to live without you,
         I don't want to breathe without you...
         You're my oxygen.

    Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
         I was sure by now, that You would have
         reached down and wiped our tears away -
         stepped in and saved the day. But once
         again, I say amen, and it's still rainin'...

         But I'll praise You in this storm, and I
         will lift my hands, for You are who
         You are no matter where I am, and every
         tear I've cried, You hold in your hand -
         You've never left my side, and though
         my heart is torn
    , I will praise You in
         this storm.

    Zero - Hawk Nelson
         We know you regret this - leaving us here,
         with portraits and mem'ries that we've held
         so dear... When I hear your name, it's not
         the same.
    No matter what they say,
         I'm not okay.

    Darlin' - Between The Trees
         Sweet darlin', this is my confession to
         the crimes of wanting you...badly.

    Suspension - Mae
         Say anything, but say what you mean.

    Fractions - Emery
         Before we fall asleep, just wanted to say:
         this all seems so easy, but there are choices
         to make...

    Another Try - Josh Turner
         There's no changin' things that we regret -
         the best that we can hope for is one more
         chance...if the hands of time could just
         move in reverse....

    Not Falling - Mudvayne
         I, I'll stand, not crawling, not falling down -
         I, I'll beat the demons that drag me down

    You're Not Alone - Saosin
         You're not alone, there is more to this, I know.
         You can make it out - you will live to tell.

    Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
         ((It's)) Too early to say goodnight -
         You have stolen my heart

    Parabola - Tool
         Celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing

    Bigger Than Love - My Favorite Highway
         It's alarming how quick we could forget that
         nothing's bigger than love

    Stitches - Haste The Day
         Five words, five words is all it would take...
         five words to change your heart and mind.

         Five words, is it really that hard to say?
         You're worth more than this.

    Paperthin Hymn - Anberlin
         I thought you said forever over and over -
         a sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion.

    Bigger Scars Make Better Stories - Search The City
        Can you see the same sky from where you are?
        Do the heavens really stretch so far - from you to me?

         I wish that you could see how this is killing me,
         cuz' bigger scars make better stories, and you
         should see the scars on me.

    Schism - Tool
         I know the pieces fit, 'cuz I watched them fall away

    Helden - Apocalyptica
         Niemand gibt uns eine Chance
         Doch konnen wir siegen
         Fur immer und immer
         Und wir sind dann helden
         Fur einen taug

Sunday, 03 May 2009

  • Remembrances

    I
    wish that
    I could see
    you every day,
    know your every
    thought, hear your every
    word, capture your every smile, sing your every
    song, catch your every breath, orbit your
    every move, gobble up your every phrase, snatch
    your every whisper, soar with you on the wings of
    success, quench your every thirst, satisfy your hungers,
    swallow up your dreams, help you to grow, pick you
    up when you fall, hold on to you when you're falling apart,
    listen to you when you need me to, talk to you when
    you are bored...I wish that I knew you
    just a little bit of a tiny smidgen
    MORE.

Friday, 01 May 2009

  • Currently
    The Book of Dead Days
    By Marcus Sedgwick
    see related

    Thunderstorming Nights

    It's not so cool tonight,
    with rain lightly coating my
    entire east-cost world
    in humidity and broken
    words that you never
    even knew I had inside

    The electricity that I imagine
    between us is filling the sky
    now, as I type, and you
    couldn't imagine the gorgeous
    displays of the lightning
    over the hills and treetops
    and in sync with the sunset

    But the best part of all is
    the overcompensating noise
    of all my pent-up screams,
    my shouted whispers, my
    bitten-back, broken, bleeding
    words being expelled through
    the night in a gentle and
    humble thunder that seems
    to tell me with its own kind of lull,
    "It's not so scary.
    You know, you can do it.
    You're stronger than you've ever
    let yourself know.
    They won't let him get you.
    Yes, he knows you love him.
    But sweetie, it's time to let go."


    I had to talk to the police this past weekend about my father sexually abusing me when I was a little girl. Me, and other family members. I've been keeping this secret for far too long, and I didn't even know that the rest of my family had been hurt that way. It tears me apart.

    I love my dad. I hate my dad. I can't even distinguish where one half of me starts and the other ends, because I can't love him without hating him, or hate him without loving him. He is a piece of me, even though he ruined me. He knew how to be gentle for every time he was cruel. I know that he has no excuse for the evil that he's committed, but still I've forgiven him....
    but now it's time to let him pay the price. It's time for me to let go.

    And, to you-know-who-you-are ((the other party in this poem)): I love you. Thank you for helping me stay strong at the times you don't even know you're doing it.

Friday, 24 April 2009

Thursday, 23 April 2009

  • Currently
    A Lesson in Romantics
    By Mayday Parade
    Three Cheers For Five Years
    see related

    Like A Fifth Grader

    What am I,
    ten years old?
    I'm hyper and
    I'm being silly and
    I want to know the
    color you think of
    when you hear me
    say the word
    Singapore.
    Why? I don't even
    know...but I think
    of a burnt orange
    personally.

    But you say that
    you would need
    to hear me say
    it. Out loud.
    So I, confident,
    decide to do
    just that. So
    I "call"  and
    my nerves are sizzling
    and I listen and
    I can hear your breathing
    and I freeze and
    I'm turning electric, I swear.

    Your voice has turned
    me into mush, I swear
    it. The second time in
    my life I've heard it,
    and it's even better
    than the first time
    I heard it. It's
    that love factor,
    I'm pretty sure, but
    I shouldn't be turning
    red and rambling about
    Singapore's gum laws.
    I don't usually turn
    into a dork when I
    talk to anybody...
    but there's something
    about you that makes
    my stomach flutter
    and sometimes, obviously,
    my brain shut down.

    And you probably thought
    um...gum? and were
    confused about where,
    exactly, the conversation
    was going when my mother
    rescue-tortured me by
    making me get off the computer.

    I haven't stopped thinking
    about that voice, and what
    it would sound like saying
    my name, or whispering
    into my ear behind me,
    or lulling me to sleep,
    and I thought of something
    in those first few seconds
    when all I could hear after
    your initial "Hello?" was
    your light breathing:

    I revel in this silence -
    To hear you breathe is bliss!
    I quietly await the day
    Those lips are mine to kiss.

     

    and for the record...
    my voice saying
    Singapore
    makes you think of
    purple.

    and I like that.

EmbracingTheSky

  • Visit EmbracingTheSky's Xanga Site
    • Name: Chelsea
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 4/14/2008

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About Me

  • "If there's a tomorrow when we're not together, there's something you must always remember. You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we're apart; I'll always be with you." -Winnie the Pooh

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